I don't know if anyone actually reads these but I'm going to use it for it's intended purpose. A journal.

So the issues with the ex-girlfriend over the summer that inspired the last journal were pretty much nothing compared to the "i need a slave of my own" issues and the "i need a threesome" issues that followed... well kinda continued through the summer. We kept fighting about things, because I would get upset about him wanting to be with other girls, and he wouldn't care or take my feelings into consideration when trying to judge which of his dreams would be acceptable to happen in a monogamous relationship.

So because of these fights and my feeling kinda insignificant, when I went away to Spirits of the Earth festival this past summer, beginning of July, I was really surprised by the attention I got from a nice guy there. I felt sexy, I had fun, he made me laugh and feel young and wild and free. Which was a nice thing to feel after feeling like a weight around John's neck for so long - resented, weighing him down, not really wanted... and even though I'd asked John to marry me over the summer (i asked over the summer, but it wasn't going to happen until we were both done school and had good jobs) I couldn't help but flirt with Rob. We had a fun week hanging out, going to the workshops and dancing around the revel fire together.

At the end of the week, we exchanged emails and started to talk in real life too. We started to become friends, but realized that the attraction and chemistry that was present at Spirits didn't end there... it kept going, and growing... at one point I wasn't sure who I loved more - John, or Rob... I had Rob down for the weekend when John was coming home right before he was done for the summer so I could get them to meet and see if I still had feelings for John. Rob got here a day before John did, and we ended up fooling around and I cheated on John. It ate me up for the rest of the night and until I saw John the next night - but as soon as I saw him I realized I really did love him, and always would, and if anything the stuff with Rob had gotten the attraction between Rob and I to dissipate and my feelings for John burned brighter. I couldn't tell him.

School started in September and John and I bother got busy, we focused on school, saw each other at random times, like really late at night when he could get to my house to sleep over since he lives a half an hour drive away from the U and Windsor. So we'd basically only see each other when sleeping next to each other, or when I would skip out of class to have some time with him. But these times were never really that quality, since there was always other people around, we would never have time to talk, or we'd be doing something and I felt like he wasn't paying any attention to me. The threesome idea came up again and I said I might be okay with one, but not immediately... Emily and John kinda jumped me one night while we were sleeping over, and I nearly had a breakdown afterwards... After this I realized I couldn't feel anything energy-wise when I thought of John like I used to... I couldn't tell if it was from Rob or the threesome, but whatever it was, the heart meld energy was gone.

October came and John was pushing for another threesome and we started fighting a lot about it. I couldn't really think of a way to explain why I wasn't okay with it asside from my passed experiences, which he said I should be over by now. I got really sick and he went to a "play party" without me, which is where we started to fight about things. We went out for Halloween with a BDSM friend, and I thought she was nice, but John was talking about wanting to have a threesome with her, and I wasn't really all that attracted to her. [The other girl he wanted a threesome with was Key, an ex-gf/friend from high school who he said would be crazy in bed] I was getting sore and tired by around 1am on halloween and wanted to go home and go to bed, maybe get some fun time in with John, but he wanted another drink and to dance with our BDSM friend, Scamper. So I said I would get the other people I was driving home together and we could leave when he was done dancing - 5 songs later I was really upset because I'd wanted to leave half an hour before and he was grinding up on Scamper and I was feeling a bit forgotten... When we finally left it was nearly 2am, and we went back to Lindsay's house to grab our stuff and head to my place, but he wanted to sit for a bit and talk, and ended up texting flirtatiously with Scamper, so I made a bitchy comment and we ended up fighting, and talking all the way back to my house. This was the beginning of the end. We fought about the same thing, over and over circling back to the same things over the next three weeks. I was sick and not feeling good, and he was too busy to even try to comfort me, and fighting wasn't helping.

I finally got to meet Key one thursday when we'd finally come to the conclusion that I couldn't do threesomes because I couldn't sleep with someone I didn't have feelings for, so I couldn't do it. I couldn't even kiss anyone unless I liked them. Key came over as we were trying to make up and get over the fighting... She came in and seemed really nice, but a lot like my really immature friends from high school, so I think I would've gone crazy after a couple hours of hanging out with her, but I was willing to give her a chance to be friends, so I invited her and John over that night to watch movies and play video games... which we all agreed would be fun and were starting to make plans for going out for food first, but then Key decided she had to go to class, and John suddenly wanted to go home for the night. Instead of just accepting and being okay with it, I got upset, thinking he just wanted to hang out with me if Key was there, and that he didn't want to just be with me. So I snapped at him and got out of the car after we'd been idling there for like 10 minutes with him not saying anything and trying to think about what he wanted to do. He texted me but I didn't think we were fighting again, so I decided to give him some time to himself and let him calm down so we could stop fighting. I didn't text him or talk to him online for the whole weekend... I fought myself not to text to see how he was doing since he was at work that weekend anyways... He ended up texting me on saturday while I was at work... I kinda felt like I'd done good and he'd calmed down enough to text me to see how I was doing. He ended up telling me he had bad news and wanted to tell me but not threw texts, so I still had a few minutes left of break so I said I'd call him... He'd cheated on me on Thursday after going home and talking to Danielle - a crazy girl who wanted to be his slave back over the summer, who we'd said we weren't talking to anymore since she was mentally unstable and basically psychotic. She invited him over to her new place to watch a movie [the oldest setup in the book] and ended up advancing on him, though she says he asked her to dom him and do many things to him, I still don't know who to believe but I guess it doesn't matter now... he dommed her, was dommed by her, and had sex with her during their 'session' without a condom and he figured he'd never tell me and I would never have to find out.

I was too upset to finish my shift so I called him and left to go to Emily's to try and talk about it. He apparently didn't want to know anything about what happened with me and Rob, but I wanted to know everything that happened between him and Danielle so I could get over it, since we both said we still loved the other and wanted to be together. He had to go back to work, and Em took me out to get me drunk. It was a good night, except that Taylor thought I was single and seemed kinda upset when I told him I wasn't (wait - what... he's interested in me? weird, I thought it was one-sided attraction). We ended up going back to Emily's place and I left in the morning to say goodbye to my brother before he left to head home to Port Elgin again. I talked to Scamper on the phone for a while and she didn't understand the cheating either, but thought we were pretty much perfect for each other, so was shocked. Especially since she knew Danielle from real life and knew that she wasn't pretty, is psychotic and tended to fuck like 5 guys a week because she's desperate and couldn't keep a guy in a relationship. She helped cheer me up, and I was doing good until John got there and I got a response from the email I'd sent to Danielle reaming her out for her part in John's cheating on me. He wouldn't read it and we ended up going inside and talking, and I realized that we hadn't hugged, cuddled, kissed or anything in nearly a month due to fighting and my being sick... and I was hurting from that... so we lay down and cuddled for a while. Then we both went to the U for our meetings that week, and he ended up coming back to my house after for the night. Monday afternoon we went up to Sarnia for a munch and we talked more, and decided that talking about it was just hurting me more, and that we would just keep fighting, so we wanted to try to forget about it and move on, start fresh. The next couple days seemed good. Then Homeless for the Homeless happened and he ignored me the whole time when I was right next to him. He flirted with every other girl there, was busy with his brothers (which i can understand - it was a frat event) but by the end of the night I was feeling like shit, or a piece of garbage, crumpled up and thrown to the side. The next morning, I talked to Lindsay and she suggested we go on a break for a bit so I could calm down and process it all.

That Thursday night I got into a fight with Emily and asked John to come over and cuddle me since I could really use the emotional support, and he said no because he -had- to stay at the H4tH hut... I showed up at like 9am to see him on Friday and we walked together to hand in his project, and I asked what he talked to Lindsay about, and he wouldn't tell me what he said. So I tried to change the subject but he wouldn't talk anymore... I asked him if he could come over to my house before he went to a frat thing that would last the whole weekend long, he said yes. But then when I texted to ask if he wanted me to make him dinner when he came over he said he wasn't coming, he'd eat at home... which really upset me since I hadn't felt like we'd spent any time where he'd actually paid attention to me in the last month and a half or so... and the cheating hurt still, and so I took a bath and passed out around 5.

I woke up around midnight and went online, and he immediately talked to me "its sammmmmm" and he ended up asking me to come pick him up since he was too drunk to drive himself over... I did, and as we were driving home he started to tell me about his conversations with Lindsay and his dad. By the time we'd got to my house he was breaking up with me. He said he was too young to be engaged, that he hadn't seen enough women to know if I was the one he wanted to be with forever, that he loved me and would love to be able to spend the rest of his life with me, but that he wasn't ready for the rest of his life to start now. What I got out of it was that he loved me but not enough to tell his peers who were pressuring him into being young and crazy to shut up because he knew what he was doing... that he loved being with me, but wanted to go out and fuck other girls, and that he needed time to grow up cause he was clearly too immature to act on love and not primal urges. Either way... we're done. I don't know if we'll ever get back together, I guess it depends on if he still loves me when he's grown up and if I'm still available or open to getting back together when he is mature enough to know that love is more important than so many other things... things he apparently can't live without at the current place in his life.

I don't know if I can be friends, I want to try, but it's going to take a long time before the hurt and resentment fades enough that I can look at him without wanting to cry or hit him, to slam the door in his face or hug him. But I really hope that if/when he goes off with other girls that he gets tested and uses condoms... learns from his mistakes. And I hope that I can lock away my heart and be able to move on. I think I've cried my allotment of tears for John already and I can't keep hanging around waiting for him to realize I'm awesome, sexy, intelligent, or whatever other people always say when they hear he broke up with me.

So now I've wasted my weekend on trying to get over him, and am behind on writing my papers. And I think that figuring out he went to see 2012 with Key on Saturday/Sunday made me angry enough to get over a lot of it. I'm moving on now. Have a nice life.